Jackson Hole: Where Bush Hides His Dick

I live in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and so, theoretically, does Vice President Dick Cheney. I say theoretically because he really doesn’t. There is this rule in the Constitution that says the President and Vice President can’t be from the same state, and Dick was living in Dallas at the time he was nominated, so he quickly came to Jackson and registered to vote here. I’ve seen the voting registration lists and he’s the only one in the valley with General Delivery for his address. They won’t allow the other transients to register General Delivery, on the theory that people should live somewhere before they vote.
Dick was raised in Wyoming, but way over on the other side of the state. We don’t exactly claim him. His granddaughter played with my daughter one afternoon at the library. She seemed like a normal little girl — no sign of Devil spawn — except for two large goons with really bad haircuts and yellow dangly coils coming out of their ears who sat over by the cardboard cut-out of Angelina Ballerina, the dancing mouse.
Whenever the news folks say the Vice President is in an undisclosed location, he is here, fishing. He’s supposed to be in hiding, only two ambulances follow him around wherever he goes, so locals tend to keep track of the man without help from CNN. If you miss the ambulances, a sure sign of Vice Presidential occupancy is quick, little jets darting through the valley, or oversized helicopters hovering over the Snake River.
Those helicopters were a bone of local contention the week after Katrina wiped out New Orleans. Besides the obvious literary comparison of Nero fiddling while Rome burned and Cheney flyfishing while New Orleans drowned, there were those who thought the helicopters could have been used for rescue work instead of tracking a #14 dry humpy lost in the willows.
I think Cheney got a bad rap on that one. He was on vacation for Chrissake. We shouldn’t expect him to care what happened to New Orleans. Black people don’t vote Republican. I think he did just what he should have done. He fished.
Here is what I meant to write about before I got sidetracked. I find this interesting:
Teton County, Wyoming, has three registered Republicans for each registered Democrat. This is the Vice President’s hometown, and yet (I’ve written nine novels and this is the first time I’ve ever typed “and yet”). And yet, Teton County was the only county in Wyoming that voted for Kerry in the last election. How can that be? My only theory is that people who actually live near the Dick and know him, won’t vote for him.
Maybe there is another reason. If anyone has any ideas why the man’s Republican neighbors won’t vote for him, I’d like to hear them.